made a decision yesterday that i know will not go over well with people. i knew before i made it that i'd hear about it afterwards. only a couple of people know... but everyone will know soon enough. seems that my decisions lately have been sparking a lot of controversy. i'm not one to make rash decisions or to act impulsively. and the one i made yesterday was preceded by a lot of prayer and thought. and still...

i gotta do what i need to do... i feel like i need to defend myself, when i really don't have to. i don't want to be defensive, but it's difficult when people ask why and want an answer. sometimes, i wish they would just accept it and support me. someone told me that leadership is lonely. and i've been feeling it. being a leader, being involved in so many things... when i cut back, people get me on this guilt trip for "abandoning". hey, i'm not just some pawn. i have a life and i want a life outside of being busy. now, i'm taking time to do things for me. and it's not selfish.

going back to this week's decision... it's difficult knowing that people (even some of my friends and family) think i'm crazy or whatever for what i chose. if it was somebody else, i think they'd be happy. now they're not. it shouldn't matter who it is. a friend is a friend... and both have done basically the same thing, but one is prefered over the other. i spent so many weeks last month being under scrutiny. i felt like i was on trial... being investigated. and now i feel it again... being on trial.

i know people are concerned. you're concerned? then pray for me. please. pray that God's will be done and allow God to work. i am. that's why i've made these decisions. i need your support, not your criticism. i shouldn't have to defend myself. i appreciate everyone's care and concern, but i can't please everyone and i'm not going to. otherwise i'd be stuck with a lot of things... (like that group 'til i die) and be stuck not making any decisions at all. i feel confident about my decision. if i wasn't sure, i wouldn't have decided it. instead, i wouldn't have done anything if i had doubts. right now it's done. it's my decision and if there are consequences, then i'll deal. and maybe you're right, but right now, this is what i've decided and this is what i'm going to do. and i'm not playing some game or being spiteful. it's just for me. i just want to have fun and i'm doing something about it.

it goes from bad to worse, to even more worse. just when i think it can't, it does. and it keeps going. lower and lower and lower. is there a bottom??? i know there is... and i believe that God is working and I have hope in God and faith that He will not allow more than i can handle. it doesn't matter what people think. let them think whatever. i know the truth and i know that God is watching over me. one thing's for sure, i'm ready.

learning to breathe

 
man, where has the time gone? it's already december. november was busier than usual (didn't think it was possible). i had EIGHT xP meetings in November. EIGHT! november was definitely an interesting month. i'm going to look back and remember all the things that went on in November 2003. some good, some bad. i'm glad i can say that i survived this month. yea!

here are some of the good times of november:

happiest moment: my grandma turned 80 years old on the 24th. on friday we had a party for her at this restaurant in oakland (forgot the name). as one of the gifts, the grandkids (all 17 of us) took a picture together at a studio in san jose and made her a 20x30 picture to hang on the wall above her sofa. turned out very nice. damon and lisa made an awesome slideshow. at the end, they had a family tree that showed when each person joined the family. started with my grandma's picture, then ended with damon's marriage to lisa. way cool. meredith made a scrapbook. she did a fabulous job. we got to help her with some of it. that was fun. had a great time. my grandma was so happy. pray for her salvation.

time i laughed the most: in my immediate family, whenever someone comes home from school, we stay up all night playing games. so following tradition, my siblings and i stayed up thursday, friday, and saturday playing games (until about 3 am each time). had a lot of laughs. funniest part was watching my brother try to act out the words "cocktail dress". hee hee hee. i think my mom laughed the hardest.

proudest moment: my kids led worship during chapel. i was soooo proud of them. we practiced in class each day for two weeks and i knew they were ready. they did such a great job. my kids are the best.

coolest thing i heard from an adult: the mom of one of my students told me that when she told her son to do something, he asked her if it was in the Bible. he asked her if that was what the Bible said he should do. when she said she thought it was in there, he asked her what chapter and what verse it was found in. at school, i've been teaching my students that the Bible should be their foundation... their source for truth, their standard for living. i told them that sometimes people are going to tell them different things. the only way to know is by looking in God's Word. i told them they should follow God's Word and not just what people say. when the mom told me that, it made me smile. he's a new student and this is his first year hearing about God. was good to know that he listens in class and he learned something! yea.

coolest thing i heard from a kid: the other day i was sitting on the sofa feeding max. tyler came by and said "you're getting ready for your future". i told him that when i do, he could play with my kids just like how i play with him and evan. tyler said he would like that. he said he can't wait. i thought that was pretty neat. kids are the greatest.

yes, a lot to be thankful for. despite all the awful things that happened in november, God taught me a lot and i'm thankful that i learned so much. i've been reading a book called "loving God with all your mind" by elizabeth george. i highly recommend it.

God is in control and God still is good...